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Solar powered insurance drones from hell
by Andrew Barbano
Jan 02, 2014 | 1474 views | 0 0 comments | 3 3 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Can any difference remain between the Internet and reality? No, no, a thousand times no. Spam sez so.

Cyberspace has finally provided evidence that we are nearing the Nirvana long-promised by conspicuously consumptive consumerism.

Along with all the year-end pleas for public subsidies ("send us tax-deductible money or we die") came the following: "ONE spray of this does the same thing as a 30-minute workout. Simply Spray This Mist Into Your Mouth Daily-Burn Extra Fat. Best New Product of 2013."

Proof-positive was included: "Seen on ABC television network." ABC is owned by Disney, so you know the claims are credible.

Disney amusement park employees won't need it because many are not paid enough to afford food, but let's not lose sight of the big picture.

"Start your New Year's resolution today. A simple spray of this right into your mouth has the same effects as a 90-min cardio workout. Just imagine ... NEVER having to work out or watching the types of food you eat."

Take my money, please! I don't care if their website is named SpudsPus. They've got antibiotics for that. Send me the goodies so that I can finish couch-potatoing thru my bowl season nachos without guilt attached.

Besides, we don't have to worry about health because everybody's got insurance now, right?

The starvation-free, money-free world Gene Roddenberry predicted in Star Trek has arrived without global thermonuclear war (so far). Bitcoins for everybody.

Can it get any better? Yes! The flying cars of sci-fi are just around the corner now that Nevada has been fingered to the forefront of solar and drone research. We already legalized Google's driverless automobiles so why not pilotless planes?

With a little help from corporate America, drones can supervise our kids. Teenagers can't resist junk food and have a tendency to experiment with (gasp!) sex, sometimes simultaneously.

Technology-hip Nevada can solve three problems at once with new products like Pringle's Birth Control Microchips. Monitored by drones, the kids can eat all the wi-fi junk food they want, never get fat, never get pregnant and never have to partake in non-pleasurable exercise. What's not to like?

Once ingested, the chips will tell you where your kids are and what they are doing.

This technology will revolutionize the workplace. People may soon be able to go without sleep entirely. Burned-out workers won't have to worry about dozing at the wheel. Your driverless car will get you home for a rare visit with your slim and trim family. (Try to arrive before Wheel of Fortune if you want to talk. Otherwise, text them from the kitchen.)

And if all this change proves too much too fast, the Nevada mental health care system is without peer.

Just don't let them give you an analog Greyhound ticket to Sacramento.

Feliz Año Nuevo. / Happy New Year.

Esté bien. Haga infierno. / Be well. Raise hell. 

Andrew Barbano is a 44-year Nevadan and editor of E-mail Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.

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