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Moneyball: Invest in texting, tweeting & twerking
by Andrew Barbano
Oct 02, 2013 | 1026 views | 0 0 comments | 5 5 recommendations | email to a friend | print
As always, the Tribune's crack investigative team has spared every expense to bring you priceless investment advice.

BRIAN POLIAN-VAPORIZED. UN,R Coach Polian will be named to the NCAA moral obtuseness watch list. He kept his football team practicing in the toxic pollution of the California wildfires when local schools had shut down all outdoor activity. Perhaps he was trying to acclimate his players to southern California smog. They still got smoked by UCLA. Now, he won't even give them a day off between games. RECOMMENDATION: SELL.

HEY, IT'S A LIVING. In 2014, local sportsbooks will start making odds on how many motorcycle fatalities northern Nevada will experience during Street Vibrations. Side bets for bar fights and shootouts. BUY.

THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN, PART ONE. It took the current government shutdown ("slimdown" at Fox Paw News) for anyone to notice a major similarity between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan. Carter started the shutdown game during his oft-damned administration. Former sportscaster Reagan and Speaker Newt Gingrich merely upped the ante.

Many policies for which conservative moonhowlers venerate St. Ronald the Vague,  like deregulation, actually started under southern conservative Carter. The Gipper just sold it better on TV. DON'T BUY.

SOUTHERN STRATEGY, PART DEUX. The highly-touted PBS series "Latino Americans" ignored the fact that the legendary heroes of the Alamo died fighting for slavery. Make you wanna toss your pseudo-coonskin cap and plastic Bowie knife? DUMP.

DARK PLEASURE DEPT. For the first time, the cheerleaders at the Reno paper have grudgingly admitted that part of former Washoe School Superintendent Heath Morrison's miraculous graduation rate increase was due to "better tracking of students." (Sept. 29 editorial) In other words, Morrison changed the count, as only this column has been reporting for 18 months. See the newly expanded "We Don't Need No Education" section at BUY.

OLYMPIC GAMESMANSHIP. U.S. Olympic team members, coaches, staff, media and hangers-on will all declare themselves openly gay and encourage every other nation to follow. They will organize a mass kiss-off at the opening ceremonies in Putin's repressive Russia. Risky gambit. He's got chemical weapons.

Miley Cyrus will lead the U.S. team into the Olympic stadium flashing a temporary Putin tat on her telegenic tushy. HOLD.

BURNING LEXICOMMUNIST QUESTION: Will "twerking" make it into the prestigious Oxford English Dictionary as a legit new word?

If you don't already know the meaning, you are too old to be reading this column, let alone a dictionary. BUY.

NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: "Good golly, Miss Miley!"  (Rolling Stone, Oct. 10), If you don't recognize in that title the homage to a Little Richard rock 'n' roll classic, you are too young to be reading this column. BUY.

TERRIBLE T'S. Several of my Facebookies have requested that I join them on Twitter.

Please. Don't ask me to tweet and twerk at the same time. HELP.

Esté bien. Haga infierno.

Be well. Raise hell.
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