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Papa Francisco Primero: !Viva La Revolución!
by Andrew Barbano
Mar 13, 2013 | 4048 views | 0 0 comments | 4 4 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Network TV commentators have only gingerly shot around the edges as to what the election of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio can mean to Catholics, ex-Catholics, recovering Catholics (Sinead O’Connor, call your office) and the world at large.

Herewith, my humble comments, informed in my youth by the hard-assed Christian Brothers (only occasionally with their wine) and the Sisters of the Holy Cross

I didn’t become editor of my high school newspaper because uptight young Sister Steven called me “too antagonistic.”

Perceptive woman.

Now, five decades down the path of propriety and perdition, comes my forecast on Pope Francis I.

Sister Stevie would never have printed it, but the late great Brother Hugh Kennedy (yes, one of those Kennedys) would have had a good laugh.

1. WOMEN SHOULD EXPECT LITTLE. The Catholic hierarchy is too hidebound to loosen up on women’s rights. The intrepid Nuns on the Bus remain in the back.

2. BY HIS NAME, YOU WILL KNOW HIM. Cardinal Bergoglio, who apparently lives very humbly and even takes the bus to work, chose the name of Italian Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals (equine advocate Annie Jantzen, call your office). He led a very humble and ascetic life and has long been a model held up by Catholic teachers.

He was also a bit uptight.

One day in sophomore religion class back at Fresno’s San Joaquin Memorial High, Brother Ernest told us horny guys that Francis would take off his clothes and roll in a thorn bush when tempted by pleasures of the flesh.

“Where’s the nearest thorn bush?” became a standing joke among us teens whenever any of the upper-class foxes flitted past.

Mea maxima culpa. Thank you, holy father, for forgiving all my sins via satellite on Wednesday.

3. WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION. Cardinal Bergoglio is a Jesuit, the Society of Jesus, founded by Spanish St. Ignatius Loyola.

Every cabrón dictator in this world should be quaking in his boots.

Previous popes have pulled the Jesuits out of countries because they fomented revolution, preaching “liberation theology” and advocating for basic human rights.

Brother Hugh once said “they tend to take over everywhere they go.” Bueno.

Bergoglio lived through the gulag era of the murderous Argentine generals. Many of the country’s “desaparecidos” (disappeared ones) remain unaccounted for.

Pope Francis can right a lot of wrongs as he undertakes the Herculean task of righting the foundering ship of the Vatican State, including its money-laundering bank. (“Godfather III” was only part-fiction.)

4. SIGNS FROM GOD AND TRAVUS T. HIPP. As I’m writing this in a post-deadline rush (thanks to editorial indulgence), the 1969 Marlon Brando film “Burn” runs on a movie channel. It’s about anti-colonial revolution in Latin America and was one of the late Tribune columnist’s favorites.

I wish Francis I the best, will continue to pray for him, and fervently hope that he has the cojónes to...

Be well. Raise hell.

Andrew Barbano is a 44-year Nevadan and editor of E-mail

Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.
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