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Guns and loose chickens
by Michael Patrick
Aug 11, 2012 | 3912 views | 0 0 comments | 6 6 recommendations | email to a friend | print
In the aftermath of the most recent American gun massacres it would be smart for the NRA to do some self-policing and lobby for at least a few more questions to be placed on the standard Federal Firearms Questionnaire. Here are some examples: Are you a male that has dyed his hair red? How many times have you watched Batman? Are you a naked country music singer named Randy Travis? Do you like to smoke weed with your anti-depressants? Do you have any Nazi Swastika tattoos?

If the answer is affirmative to any of the above mentioned questions, then that potential gun buyer should be put through a special series of tests involving straitjackets and group therapy sessions with Sean Penn, the world’s most famous gun carrying pacifist. After a person successfully completes Sean Penn therapy, he or she will become eligible to take the Ted Nugent hunter safety course. When full-blown sanity is achieved, then that person will be allowed to take a number and get in line to re-apply for Second Amendment rights. A large bureaucratic apparatus will be necessary to handle all the potential gun owners, and this will help provide people with much needed jobs in this poor economy. Everyone will come out a winner with an autographed Certificate of Winning from Charlie Sheen.

However, an affirmative response to the last question concerning the Nazi Swastika should be met with a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Not everyone knows this anymore, but World War Two wasn’t a video game. The ideology behind that symbol caused way too much global pain and suffering. A Nazi tattoo is protected under the First Amendment, but the freedom of speech is also the freedom to identify oneself as a perpetual loser that doesn’t deserve the freedom that our ancestors defended.

Although it is very disappointing to anti-gun enthusiasts like Mayor Bloomberg of NYC, the real reason why guns will never go away in America is that nothing brings liberals and conservatives together like the smell of cordite. As actor Ice-T recently said following the Aurora shootings, “The United States is based on guns.”

The only thing that really has half a snowball’s chance in hell of stopping gun violence is the possible futuristic invention of the laser blaster. If this ever happens, then people will switch to laser blaster violence which will also never end unless, God willing, a common enemy appears from outer space. Then we can all live happily ever after until the space aliens are defeated.

No one really knows what is taught in public schools these days, however it’s safe to assume that the idea that you could go to an awful place forever if you do something really wrong is probably not in the curriculum. Perhaps it’s time to bring this concept of eternal damnation back to life. Of course this needs to be done in a fun and happy way that won’t cause the ACLU to go into attack mode against the followers of Jesus Christ and others it deems unworthy.

The Joker and the Nazi obviously had either never been exposed to the concept of hell, or the drugs and bad ideas that they consumed over the years had purged fear from their systems a long time ago. Fear isn’t the most enjoyable emotion, but it’s a time tested last chance stop control that keeps people from doing really bad things. This is a fantastic tool to have working in your society if you are trying to avoid victimhood. We should give it a second chance.

When the Founding Fathers constructed the Second Amendment, they had no idea that the country would one day be awash with highly psychoactive drugs and the teachings of mad men. This doesn’t mean that the current interpretation of the law needs to be altered. It just means that we need to use a little common sense to keep firearms out of the hands of pill-popping nut jobs, Nazis and drunken country music singers named Randy Travis.

Although the recent massacres caused deep concern which lasted nationwide for at least ten minutes, there was actually a much larger issue taking place in the world of fast food. It seems that a big controversy erupted when a corporate chicken joint possibly threatened to only serve straight married chickens as food to its customers. No one seems to know what really happened, but thousands of people ended up flocking to the restaurant to buy chicken as a creative way to celebrate standing in long Depression Era lines. Many members of the gay chicken community were deeply upset by this phenomenon, yet none of them resorted to the use of gun fire. Historians will be studying their fine example of non-violence for many years into the future.

Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at
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