Now, I know what you’re thinking. Zombies have lost all higher thought abilities and munch on fresh brains. Why should we give rights to mindless drones who are intent on killing us and eating our innards? The fact of the matter is that zombies have been horribly misjudged, lambasted by popular media and underrepresented politically. It’s time to give them a chance.
Zombiism is a disease — a handicap, if you will. Their immunity to pain doesn’t mean they don’t feel when you pepper them with bullets and talk behind their backs. Zombies don’t discriminate; they don’t care about skin color, political affiliation or sexual orientation. They just want to eat your brains. Have you ever heard of a zombie not getting along with a fellow zombie? They love one another, and travel together in great undead hoards.
Anyone could become a zombie. Someday you could be infected. But instead of crying out in agony as you’re killed and reanimated, you should embrace the greatness of being a zombie. You can rest assured that there are people who support your position and are working to end zombie discrimination.
This all seems like common sense, but unfortunately America is notorious for denying zombies basic rights. Their property is ransacked after becoming one of the undead, they are denied work and constantly targeted by so-called “do-gooders” who think they are helping the world by annihilating those affected by this disease. Just because someone has different dietary preferences and speaks in single syllables doesn’t mean they deserve less than the rest of us.
Americans need to learn to adapt. The world isn’t just about us anymore; it’s also about the zombies. Zombie dialects should be taught in our schools as a second language. Our society will be more accepting of zombies if we understand what all that moaning and groaning means. Communication is key to bringing us all closer together.
With campaign season well underway, Obama and Romney are standing on their soapboxes preaching at us left and right. It’s only August and I want to tear out my hair every time a political ad tries to punch me in the face with its blindingly under-supported, overstated arguments. There are issues important to me — the economy, education, health care, gay rights — but what about the zombies? Why is no one addressing the real issue?
Turning our heads the other way doesn’t make zombies go away. In fact, it probably just makes us easier targets as undead snack food. Call me naïve, but I want to live in a world where zombies are allowed to walk down the street without people screaming and running the other direction. Food chains will open selling brain substitutes and the undead will be working alongside us.
Fear is what’s turning the uninfected population into zombies. Open your mind and allow zombies to live their unlives without the interference of our petty worries. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?
Kelly Reis is a staunch supporter of zombie rights and a reporter for the Sparks Tribune. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.