Last week it clearly seemed as if Vice President Biden had been sent out to test the gay marriage waters to determine if it was safe for the president to come out and deliver a groundbreaking speech on the matter. However, things have changed and Americans are now supposed to believe that Mr. Obama has spent the last three years flying all over the world in Air Force One while studying “Brokeback Mountain” in order to help his own personal evolution on the subject move forward. This sounds very fine and dandy, but the reality is that very few people have ever seen the movie despite its three Academy Awards. Furthermore, one of the main stars is now dead from a drug overdose, and the other gay cowboy’s career is holed up in an obscure warehouse with every copy of the film. However, the president of the United States is a very powerful person with many high-level connections, including some in the CIA. It is entirely possible that he was able to obtain a copy of such an obscure movie. Yet, many questions remain unanswered such as, “Does America have enough gay people to create a large enough gay marriage-divorce industry capable of jump-starting the lackluster economy?”
The politics of consenting adults doing things with each other behind closed doors has always been a tricky subject. For many decades demographers have tried to obtain solid numbers for the American gay population. In 1948, Alfred Kinsey estimated that 10 percent of the male population was gay. Modern research performed by Gary J. Gates of The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy estimates that the American gay and lesbian population is closer to 5 percent of the total. Economically these are very troubling numbers. Even if the high estimates are correct, then it is mathematically impossible for such a small number of people to fall in love and then plan expensive weddings in time to save the economy before November.
If same-sex marriage is going to be the driving force behind economic recovery, then it has become all too clear that we need to take drastic measures. Although President Obama’s speech actually held zero legal bearing due to the fact that he is not a dictator, the undertone of his message resonated throughout the nation. We need volunteers, and we need them now.
America has always responded to great national challenges, and with the high goal of pulling our economy out of its rut by November, there is no reason why each of us should not find a same-sex partner and then head for the nearest altar. Adam Sandler and Kevin James were able to pull it off in high style in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” and with a bit of imagination we should be able to use the film as a blueprint. Of course, in order to really kick-start events, we need to find the secret location of the warehouse containing all the copies of “Brokeback Mountain.” It is never too late to learn something new.
Being all things to all people is not an easy maneuver to pull off, especially over lengthy time periods such as four-year presidential cycles. Abraham Lincoln recognized this problem early in our national history and pointed out that, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.”
The main idea we can obtain from President Lincoln’s statement is that he had a keen interest in fooling people. His ghost has been known to walk the grounds of The White House late at night. It would be nice if he could share a smoke and some wisdom with the current guy.
President Obama isn’t fooling as many people anymore. His rallies are attracting less than half size crowds compared to those that came out in 2008. If this trend continues then the only thing his campaign staff will need to determine is which version of “Landslide” they would like to hear on election night. The Smashing Pumpkins performs a great rendition of this song, but Fleetwood Mac is much easier to book.
Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.