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The smell of Earth Day in the afternoon
by Michael Patrick
Apr 22, 2012 | 2132 views | 0 0 comments | 7 7 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Today is Earth Day, a time to dim our eco-bulbs ever so slightly and reflect upon all of the things that Mother Earth has given us. Of course, let’s concentrate on the good things. For example, let’s not bring up the horrible volcano that wiped out Pompeii back in 79 A.D., or that nasty Calcutta cyclone of 1737.  Events such as these occurred many years before the dreaded sport utility vehicle arrived on the scene during a period commonly known in cartoon circles as, “The Flintstone Era,” in which big feet provided the main source of power. Furthermore, those were early times of confusion when humans were busy worshiping false gods, rather than the very real gods of present day Earth, such as Warren Buffet, George Soros and Big Government.

Today is also time to remember the very first Earth Day of April 22, 1970, when the unofficial holiday’s co-creator, Ira Einhorn, took center stage as the master of ceremonies.  Known as the, “hippie guru,” Einhorn was a stalwart Vietnam War protestor as well as self-proclaimed ecological expert. Seven years later he took modern ecology to a new level when his neighbors caught the whiff of death coming from his Philadelphia apartment. The downstairs neighbors noticed brownish liquid leaking through the ceiling, and that’s when police finally decided to step in and open a trunk found inside Ira’s bedroom closet.  Inside the trunk was the decomposing body of his ex-girlfriend, Holly Maddux.  He claimed that the last time he saw her was just before she left on a routine trip to the local co-op for tofu and sprouts.  Although it has never been officially proven, most environmentalists speculate that Einhorn had actually violated several of the main rules of composting.

Rather than face trial for his actions, Einhorn fled to Europe where he discovered that the CIA had framed him. Being framed is just something that hippies had to deal with back in 1977. It was a strange time when bionic men were worshiped, yet feared.  Twenty-three years later following the cancellation of “The Six Million Dollar Man,” starring Lee Majors, no one in the United States was buying Ira’s CIA story. Today, Mr. Einhorn, one of the founding fathers of Earth Day, is serving a life sentence for murder in what is very possibly a non-ecologically friendly prison.

The lack of green prisons in the United States is a profound tragedy, and one which the General Services Administration (GSA) will surely turn its attention to just as soon as that annoying Republican Darrell Issa gets off their backs.  He claims that they dumped nearly $800,000 in taxpayer money in Las Vegas in a long and twisted venture, which started out as a standard drinking binge.  Of course, there is also the matter of the Hawaiian vacations as well as the dispute down in Columbia, which turned ugly when a perfectly legitimate escort bill came due.  Fortunately, the hooker bill has nothing to do with their department.

There was a time in this country when Secret Service Agents were made of Clint Eastwood anger. Men such as this wouldn’t be caught dead in some twisted South American sex-for-money scheme. They just didn’t have the time for such relaxation (even though they needed it), especially when psychopaths like John Malkovich were out to do bad things to the president of the United States.

Although it is difficult for knuckle-dragging right wingers to understand such things, there actually was a time when Clint Eastwood did not exist. This period of history, known as the Middle Ages, revolved primarily around a hardcore geocentric perception of the universe.  Royalty took their geocentric ways very seriously. Anyone caught thinking that the Earth was not the center of the universe would be captured by a knight in shining armor who would take the perpetrator straight to the dungeon.

Ira Einhorn would have been a great knight, if only he could fit into the armor.  Fortunately there is still hope that the world will undergo a new period of scientific enlightenment.

Thanks to the advent of the original “Star Trek” episodes, many humans can now see that there is life beyond Earth.  In fact, many believe that there is an entire universe full of other life forms, just waiting to be shot with Captain Kirk’s phaser.

It is fantastic that humanity has gone beyond its geocentric perceptions; however it should be noted that Mother Earth is not alone in her occasional bitchiness. Sometimes the universe itself can be really mean, such as that time when meteors landed and killed all the dinosaurs including Tyrannosaurus rex.  Therefore, on this holiest of holidays, let us have a moment of silence for dinosaurs, the most awesome creatures to have ever roamed planet Earth.

Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at
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