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All I want for Christmas is a wet, warm GOP
by Andrew Barbano
Nov 27, 2010 | 750 views | 0 0 comments | 5 5 recommendations | email to a friend | print
The Republican Party has finally proposed an economic recovery program: “With the holiday season quickly approaching, there’s no better time to visit the GOP Store and find truly unique and inspiring gifts for all the commonsense conservative Republicans in your life! Celebrate our 2010 election success and ring in the New Year with great gifts.”

1. “Republican National Committee 2010 Collectable Ornament: Add some patriotic good cheer and Republican pride to your holiday décor with a limited edition brass RNC Holiday Ornament — a fantastic keepsake for celebrating a successful 2010 election year!

2. “Meet ‘Twinkle,’ the newest member of our adorable line of collectable RNC plush elephants! ‘Twinkle’ is ready for merriment and makes a perfect stocking stuffer for all your little Republicans who have been so good this year.

3. “RNC ‘American Exceptionalism’ Calendar: Get ready for an exceptional new year with our 2011 commemorative RNC wall calendar! Featuring original artwork that celebrates the unique character and achievements of the American people, (it) will inspire you and yours throughout the coming year.

4. “You Fired Pelosi — Now Get The Gear! Let everyone know you helped send Nancy Pelosi a pink slip — and are ready to give Barack Obama a taste of the same medicine in 2012! Get t-shirts, buttons, travel mugs, bumper stickers and more today!”

Wouldn’t  every little kid in America love to drink from an “I Fired Pelosi, Guess Who’s Next?” plastic drinking cup? Even those who don’t have anything to put in it as the GOP fights to kill unemployment checks just in time for the holidays.

I can’t witness such pathetic merchandising without offering help. Can’t you party-of-

business strategic thinkers come up with better products, or at least catchier sales pitches? Your advertising copy is as corporate as a corpse. Perhaps your thinking is colored by the latest in judge-made law, whereby cold corporations are considered warm-blooded critters with constitutional rights. (See below.)

Casting all (or at least some) animosity aside to help the economy that George W. Bush did nothing to ruin, herewith are suggestions for spicing up the GOP’s sales pitch.

• We washed out in Washoe bath towels — Local Dems seriously kicked Republican butt, producing a surprise Washoe County win for U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., something he hasn’t done in recent memory. Price: $2.

• I took a bath with Sarah Palin edition — Same item signed by Sharron Angle, $3.

• St. Sarah actually used this towel — $500.

• Wrinkled towel with Sarah Palin’s signature — Priceless. Minimum bid on eBay, $25,000. (Buy before Dec. 1 and get two ticket stubs from “Dancing with the Stars.”)

• Christine O’donnell bewitchment kit — The complete Harry Potter book and movie collection so that future GOP witches running for office can learn how to cast a proper spell on media and voters. Included: Proof that you can see Hogwarts from Sarah Palin’s house. Price: Two evil stares from eye of Newt Gingrich. Keep Twinkle the Elephant away from anyone looking for animal parts, stuffed or otherwise.

• For the political wizard who has everything but wants more — Personal magic wands signed by Sens. John Ensign, R-Nev., David Vitter, R-La., and Larry Craig, R-Idaho. Price: Untouchable. You shouldn’t touch these guys with an 11-foot pole, even if you see them wearing brass holiday ornaments from the GOP Store.

• For that traveling man — Maps and GPS coordinates on how to navigate the Appalachian Trail all the way to Argentina. Comes with bonus DVD from your tour guide, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. PRICE: Bidding starts at parity with his political future, one plugged nickel. Comes with a free jar of Congressman John Boehner’s bronzing cream.

• The southern cracker exceptionalism calendar — South Carolina barnyard animals had a particularly bad year. Details are unprintable in a family newspaper, but Nevada wild horse advocates really need to start a chapter down there. That retro state demonstrably cares little for human rights, civil rights, voting rights or animal rights. They love the confederate flag and their university mascot is the gamecock. (Anybody know the phone number of Michael Vick’s lawyer?) Calendar available only to consenting adults and their pets. Price: Available by subpoena, not allowed in interstate commerce. All airline patdowns are subject to state entertainment tax.

• The Sarah Palin pinup — An updated world globe highlighting countries she considers our principal allies such as North Korea. Comes with a lipstick print where Sister Sarah kissed southeast Asia goodbye. Price: One can of mushroom clouds.

• The Sharron Angle victory trophy — A bronzed, life-size replica of Harry Reid’s jockstrap. She dared him to “man up” and he apparently did. Price: $97 a vote.

• Dancing with the supremes — Now that corporations are legally people, all leftover merchandise will be forwarded to the U.S. Supreme Court to be sold to the highest bidder. Justices Roberts, Alito, Thomas, Scalia and Kennedy have officially turned our elections into auctions, so they might as well come out of the closet and get into the biz. Given his experience in the field, Justice Thomas will personally handle the S. Carolina and American Except-ionalism calendars.

Keep one hand on your wallet and your good eye on your horse, then go eBaying at the full moon with all the GOP Store moonhowlers.

Now that’s salesmanship.

Be well. Raise hell.

Andrew Barbano is a 41-year Nevadan and editor of NevadaLabor.com. E-mail barbano@frontpage.reno.nv.us. Barbwire by Barbano has originated in the Tribune since 1988.
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